Dear Other Morning Commuters:

Oh, COME ON!  If the speed limit sign says 60, please, PLEASE SPEED UP.  How in the hell you people who constantly drive at 40 mph can get ANYWHERE - much less get anywhere ON TIME - is totally beyond me.  For the love of all that is good and holy, get your slow ass out of my way.  My ninety year old grandmother drives faster than you!

Sincerely, NonSoccerMom

*****

Dear AE:

I love you, kid, I truly do.  In fact, I adore you more than you’ll ever know.  But that being said, you are driving me to drink (even more than usual).  A person, even a loving mother, can only take so much of the talk talk talk constant talking without even a pause to take a breath talking constant narration stream of consciousness chattering getting you in trouble at school repeating yourself driving us mad with the talking talking neverending talking talking talking.  Talking!

GAH.  For the sake of my sanity, let’s play the quiet game.  You start.

Love,  Mom

*****

Dear Miss T:

You may not realize this, but you make my heart stop several times a day.  You are also undoubtedly the cause of the gray hairs I find from time to time.  Is it really necessary to perform such death-defying acrobatics on a continuous basis?  It seems to me that you could afford to take a break every once in a while.  You know, sit down, relax, look at a book!  Don’t you get tired of climbing on everything in sight, like a wee little monkey?  Because I’m exhausted from trying to keep you from killing yourself. 

Also, beds of fire ants are not for stomping in.

Wearily,  Mama

*****

Dear Cat:

I’ll thank you to stay the hell out of my face when I am trying to sleep.  And please stop doing that thing where you make your six-pound self as dead-weight as a bag of concrete.  It is MY bed, not YOURS, and I share it with you because I am nice.  So stop being such a nuisance.

Kind regards, Your Sleep-deprived Owner

*****

Dear Close-talking Coworker:

It freaks me out when you stand that close to ask me a question.  I can hear you just fine.  Please remove yourself from my bubble of personal space.

Many thanks, Your Colleague