Not MY wedding, mind you, but the one I attended this weekend was very reminiscent of my own.  In fact, apparently the backdrop we used for our wedding was the inspiration for this bride’s decor.  I’m honored!  The ceremony itself was beautiful (and made me a little verklempt, as weddings tend to do) and the reception was a lot of fun.  Here are some things that made me laugh, both before the wedding and afterwards.  Side note:  My sister and I actually get along quite well, in case the below exchanges make you wonder.

Scene 1:  I’m in the downstairs bathroom giving myself a pedicure.  My sister is upstairs taking a shower, my parents are both upstairs as well.  (For the purposes of illustration and psuedo-anonymity, I’ll use “K” as a substitute for my name.  Because it’s the first letter, and I’m nothing if not creative.) 

Sher:  [from the shower]  Hey.  HEY!  K!  K, come here! 

Me:  [ignoring her, since Mom is upstairs]

Sher:  HEY!  K!  COME HERE!

Me:  [figure it is urgent, run upstairs and into her bathroom with my one freshly painted toenail]  WHAT?!

Sher:  Will you hand me the body wash?  I forgot to get it before I got in.

Me:  GOD.  I was downstairs, you know, and now I have cat hair stuck in my wet toenail polish.  Thanks for that.

Sher:  Ooops, hee hee.

Me:  I hate you. 

Scene 2:  I’m back downstairs, toes bare once more, only to arrive at the bottom of the steps and realize I forgot something in the upstairs bathroom with Sher.  Head back up and into the bathroom, where she is still in the shower.  The floor is now soaked.

Sher:  Hee hee hee, you know, I ended up having to get out of the shower to get my razor anyway.  Ha ha ha!  I thought about calling you in here again.

Me:  Bitch.

Sher:  Hee!

Me:  [mentally lamenting the lack of exhaust fans in the bathrooms of my parents’ rent house]  It’s really fracking hot in here.

Sher:  Yes, it is.  I was just thinking that.  When I turned on that other light it got a lot hotter right away.

Me:  [looking up]  You dummy.  That’s the heat lamp!

Sher:  OH!  I thought it was the fan!  Ha ha ha, no wonder!

Scene 3:  In my parents’ bathroom.  It is only marginally cooler in there than in the other one, and my sister takes care of that in short order when she comes in to dry her hair.  I unfortunately have my mother’s propensity for shaking hands when I am in a hurry.  We’re running late, and I am trying to put makeup on sweat-soaked skin with trembling hands.  My hair’s not done, and I am starting to freak out.

Sher:  Ugh, stupid hair.  Help me with these bobby pins!

Me:  NO!

Sher:  Bitch!

Me:  Shut up! 

Dad:  [backs away in fear, undoubtedly thankful that we no longer live under the same roof as him]

Scene 4:  At the reception.  I just discovered the wine table set up in a far corner and since my husband wasn’t around I sent Dad to do the dirty work.  He came back with a glass for me and a glass for himself.  A few moments later Sher notices there’s none for her.

Sher:  HEY!  Where’s my wine?

Me:  [pointing at opposite corner of the ballroom] Over there.

Sher:  Go get me some.

Me:  Am not your slave!  Besides, I made Dad get mine.

Sher:  Ha ha!  Well good then.  You can go get mine for me. 

Me:  [consider flipping her off, decide against it in a room full of my parents’ church friends.  opt instead for the Ross Geller method.]

Sher:  Um, bitch!

Name-calling and hand gestures aside, we had a fantastic time.  There was way more wine and dancing than I expected at a Baptist wedding, but that’s just the way I like it.  I do fear, however, that Sher and I will show up in an alarming amount of the reception photos.  Toward the end of the night, our inhibitions had left along with most of the Old Church People so things got a little nuts.  But I did learn a few things, being the Student of Life that I am:

• It is ill-advised to do the Cotton-Eyed Joe in three-inch heels after consuming several glasses of wine.
• Yellow Tail wines are always good, particularly the Chardonnay and Riesling.
• It is bizarrely skeevy to be praised for your beauty in the third person while in the presence of your father.
• It is apparently possible to do The Chicken Dance “too sexy” as my sister now knows firsthand.
• Little personalized containers of floss are a well-received favor at a dentist’s wedding.
• No matter how old I get, I still feel like a kid when in the presence of other people’s parents.
• I begin to talk a lot, and very loudly, after ONE glass of wine.