AE does this thing that totally cracks me up, although I have to hide my amusement.  He doesn’t find it funny when I laugh at him.  Anyway, what he’s been doing lately is a little something I like to call Fake Statistics.

In AE’s world, everything can be quantified in percentages.  He’ll make a great statistician someday, although hopefully by then he’ll have actual science to back up his numbers.  Because right now, conversations with him tend to go a little like this:

Me:  AE, it’s time to take a bath.

AE:  But I don’t want to take a bath.

Me:  I don’t care.  It’s bath time.  You’re already ten minutes past.

AE:  So about 35% late.

Me:  JUST GET IN THE BATH.

AE:  But I don’t want to take a bath.  I only want to take a bath about 2%.

Me [getting sucked in, because you know I can’t let anything go]:  You can’t put a percentage on your desire to take a bath.

AE:  I can.  Two percent.

Me:  GAH.

Then after the bath is over, we have something similar to this:

Me:  AE, it’s time to get out.

AE:  I don’t want to get out.

Me:  Ten minutes ago you didn’t want to get in.

AE:  Now I want to stay in about 70%.

Me:  Then that’s 30% that you’re willing to get out.  So out you get.

AE:  But-

Me:  NO BUTS.  DON’T ARGUE WITH MY MATH.  GET OUT.  ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

He does it at breakfast too:

Me:  What do you want for breakfast, AE?  Cereal?

AE:  Well, only about 6%.

Me:  What does that meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean?  Cereal or not?

AE:  Welllllllllll, no.

Me:  What then?  Pop Tarts?  Do you want me to scramble some eggs?  [Ed. note:  Clearly this conversation took place on the weekend, lest anyone get the erroneous impression that I get up in time to do something like scramble eggs on a weekday.  No.]

AE:  No, eggs only 3%.

Me:  AE.  Just PICK SOMETHING.

AE:  Okay.  Cereal.

I find myself doing it too, because it is actually pretty fun to irritate people.  It turns out you can slap Fake Statistics on anything.  No research required!  My artistic ability:  3%.  Athletic ability:  12%.  Preference of white wine over reds:  95% (that one may have some actual basis in fact).  My ability to cut vegetables and not my own finger:  0% (oh wait, that one is a fact too).   

Try it!  Impress your friends with your math skills and amazing ability to quantify anything!  You better just hope they don’t ask you for proof.