I have the dumbest problem, you guys.  I’m being stalked by a mockingbird.

It started last week.  N and I often take Miss T and the dog for a short walk in the evenings, just around the block.  Our route brings us back through a church parking lot.

We’ve walked this route a zillion times, with no drama whatsoever.  So we’re walking along the normal way, moseying through the parking lot.  Totally innocent, me pushing the stroller, N holding the leash, when suddenly I notice that my shadow has an accompanying bird-shaped one.  That seems to be awfully close to my head.  I glance over and see a mockingbird, just sort of…hovering nearby.  Is that bird following me? I asked N.  I think it is, he replied.  Weird, I said.  Nothing else happened, we kept walking, and I forgot all about it.

Until the next night, when we reached the same point in the parking lot.  The bird had apparently decided to up the ante and FLY DIRECTLY AT MY HEAD.  My reaction was of course to shriek and run away as fast as I could in flip-flops while pushing a stroller (hint: NOT FAST).  It chased me for a few seconds, then flew off.  After my heart rate returned to normal (and N stopped laughing), we headed home.  The rest of our walk was completely uneventful.

I of course posted on Facebook about it and was laughing about it at work the next day.  Suggestions from my friends and coworkers ranged from “take a different route” to “carry a BB gun with you next time”.  One friend suggested that I take a tennis racket along.  That’s how I got rid of the bat in my house, he advised.  Well, I don’t own a BB gun and I may be wrong, but I am fairly certain it is illegal to kill a mockingbird in Texas.  It is the state bird, after all.  (And if you are wondering why we don’t just go for a walk elsewhere – the dog is very old, dumb and set in her ways.  We’ve tried, and it isn’t worth the effort.)  Not to mention, this is totally stupid.  IT IS JUST A LITTLE BIRD.

So.  By night #3 I am very paranoid.  N’s laughing as I look around frantically and glance over my shoulder every few seconds, searching for my attacker.  At first I thought I was safe.  We saw a mockingbird chasing and chattering angrily at a grackle nearby.  That has to be your friend, N said.  I agreed, and figured it was otherwise occupied and we could make it.  WRONG.  I took one last glance over my shoulder and saw it coming at me full speed.  HERE IT COMES! I screamed, taking off toward the house.  N followed more slowly, since he was too busy laughing his ass off to try and keep up.  THANKS FOR THE HELP, DEAR.  Also, I would like to commend our useless dog for NOT EVEN NOTICING that one of her owners was about to be assaulted by a psychotic bird.

The night after that, we didn’t have time to go for a walk and last night the bird was nowhere to be seen (and believe me, I WAS LOOKING), so I thought it had forgotten about me.

I felt secure enough to walk the dog by myself tonight, although I did comment on it as we left.  You’re testing to see if the bird will come back, aren’t you? I asked N.  He laughed, and we both figured it had completely forgotten.

I really thought I was safe.  I made it almost totally through the danger zone, the point where it had appeared the previous three times.  I had my headphones in, so I couldn’t hear flapping.  Then suddenly I felt like I was being watched.  Slowly, I turned around to look and THERE IT WAS OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT WAS FLYING RIGHT AT MY HEAD I DON’T THINK I HAVE EVER BEEN SO TERRIFIED IN MY LIFE.

That parking lot is a meeting place for the local Boy Scout troop and I’m very glad they didn’t have anything going on tonight because I screamed at the top of my lungs and took off at top speed.  The dog was all I DON’T KNOW WHY WE’RE RUNNING BUT OKAY!  WE’RE RUNNING! as she sped along beside me.  We made it out of that parking lot in record time, with me shrieking all the way.

I don’t have a clue what I did to this bird, or why it picked me of all people.  This may very well be the most idiotic situation I’ve ever been in.  And one time I did this.