I thought August’s Google search results were the funniest I’d seen so far.  I was premature, because last week September’s analytics report showed up in my inbox.  As always, there were the usual variations on “soccer mom”, blah blah boringpants.  Then there were these:

• “closet alcoholism” – I’ve been wondering when this one was going to show up.  Now people, come on.  I’m not a closet alcoholic.  I’m not trying to hide the fact that I drink like a fish.
• “my rotary phone” – I’m sorry to say do not have a rotary phone.  N and I each have an iPhone, and that’s it.  We don’t even have a land line.  Miss T has a rotary phone, though.  One of those plastic toy ones with the eyes that move when you pull it along.  She doesn’t recognize it as a phone.
• “birthday message to my husband” – Here’s something you may not have tried.  Happy Birthday.  It works for me.
• “breakfast at any time of day” – Yes!  I can get on board with this.  Breakfast for breakfast, breakfast for lunch, breakfast for dinner.  It’s all good.
• “ear cartilage piercing job interview” – I took mine out.  But then I forgot to put it back in after the interview and eventually had to get it re-pierced.  Be ye not so pathetically forgetful, is what I’m saying.
• “fun scary movies” – What we have here is an oxymoron.  If it’s fun, it isn’t truly scary.  And if it is scary, I’m certainly not having fun.  If we are talking about fun horror movies, however, I have seen boatloads of those.
• “gallimaufry math” – That sounds hard.  And about as fun as a scary movie.
• “good movies with bad sequels” – Where to begin?  The Matrix is probably my favorite example of this phenomenon.
• “Halloween horror nights 09 and soccer moms” – Now THAT is some specific Googling right there.  I don’t know what it means, but this was a Googler with a mission.
• “how long should it take to gut a bathroom and do it anew” – I am so not the person you should ask about this.  My husband and I have done absolutely nothing towards updating ours.  I wrote this post…and that was it.  Remodel FAIL.
• “how to get my husband to stop being a smartass all the time” – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Sigh.  While I sympathize with your plight, Mystery Googler, I sadly have not come up to a solution to this problem.  If I figure it out, I’ll be sure to let you know.
• “how to write scintillating stories” – Wellllllll, I’m sad to say that I am not so much capable of that these days.  Obviously.
• “if you’re going to spew spew into this movie” – That, my dear friend, would be Wayne’s World.  Only one of the greatest movies ever made.
• “jake busey children of the corn” – While Jake Busey is blond and exceedingly creepy, I do not believe that he is actually one of the Children of the Corn.  Although I have been wrong before.
• “more annoying than the song that never ends” – I do have to wonder what would make someone Google that.  Maybe they were looking for a support group.  Annoyed Parents Anonymous.  I could be a charter member.
• “ooh look shiny” – It’s true.  I’m easily distrac- Hey, what’s that over there?
• “pearl jam onesies” – I do like Pearl Jam, but if I were on the look out for band-themed onesies I think I would have to go with something a little more like this.  Now that you mention it, that’s actually very cute and it comes in Miss T’s size!
• “pointlessness” – Yep, that pretty much sums it up.  Sorry about that.