Dear Fellow Commuter:
Well, well, well. My condolences. It’s quite the predicament you’re in, seeing as they clearly did not equip your Saab with an accelerator. Shame, that. Such a nice, shiny, expensive car, and it doesn’t have the ability to go faster than 30 miles an hour in a 60 mph zone.
However, while I sympathize with your obvious plight, please get the hell out of my way. Because the left lane is for PASSING, not DRIVING HALF OF THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT, and while YOU may not have anywhere to be at 8 a.m. on a Monday, some of us have jobs.
Thanks very much, NonSoccerMom
Dear Subway Sandwich Artist:
I realize it isn’t your fault that Subway chose to discontinue the chicken salad. I suspected all along that it was a limited time item, and should have paid closer attention to when it was scheduled to end. That’s my bad. I should not have snapped at you, folded my arms, and huffed like a petulant child. It’s not fair to blame the messenger.
But if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you’re the only person I frightened by my childish display of irritation. I’m fairly certain that one of my coworkers – along with the several strangers in line behind him - is afraid of me now, and he will undoubtedly refuse to go to Subway with me ever again. Of course, I’ll have to avoid your store anyway, because I totally wouldn’t blame you if you spit in my (NOT CHICKEN SALAD) sandwich from now on.
Sincere apologies, NonSoccerMom
Dear AE:
What the hell, kid? I don’t have any idea which finger “they” say is stronger and therefore more useful for flicking. If your middle finger is stronger, then by all means flick whatever it is with your middle finger. I don’t care. I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation. I’m tired and it doesn’t make any sense.
Also, ENOUGH WITH THE FAKE STATISTICS. I am quite certain that no studies have been done to compare the flicking abilities of one human finger versus another. And if there were, I’m sure that individual results vary widely from person to person. Just because someone else’s index finger is their strongest, doesn’t mean that it is YOUR strongest finger, and also, why the hell do I allow myself to get drawn into these inane discussions? You’re baiting me, aren’t you?
By the way, flick all you like with that middle finger just as long as you aren’t using it for flipping. That’s something else entirely.
Love, Mom
Dear J. Crew:
Generally speaking, I love your clothes. I truly do. I’ve been a huge fan since my sophomore year of high school, when I became a snobby snobby label whore.
However. Lately your prices have become totally outrageous and some of your “styles” are extreeeeeeeeeeemely questionable. But above all, I’m sick of you clogging my e-mail in-box with eleventy-thousand “sale” ads per day. Twenty percent off of a hojillion dollars is still far more than I’m willing to pay. Knock it off, or I may have to unsubscribe to your mailing list.
Cordially, A Loyal Customer
Dear Husband:
I mean it. If you don’t stop leaving bread crumbs on the kitchen counter, I’m selling you to the gypsies and I’ll make you take the kids.
Love, Your Crabby Wife
