Once there was a six-year-old boy called AE. Who was a little…lacking in the skills necessary for successfully brushing his teeth. So since AE was but a wee tot, his lazy mother allowed him to brush his teeth using nothing but training toothpaste. The kind intended for toddlers. You see, AE cared nothing about learning to brush his teeth by himself. He did not care to learn how to spit into the sink like a normal person, and he could not be trusted to not swallow the toothpaste.
From time to time, AE’s lazy mother would think about trying to teach him the necessary skills. But she usually thought about this at the end of the day, when she was tired and not inclined to start something new. But one day, the lazy mother was watching TV when she saw a commercial for a fascinating new product. Maybe this is exactly what we need! AE’s lazy mother thought. This may be the key! The miracle product the lazy mother was pinning her hopes on was Listerine Smart Rinse.
Surely such a product will motivate AE, he’ll think it is cool to see all of the germs that toothbrushing left behind, the lazy mother thought. Inspired, she took AE to the store. In addition to letting him choose the Smart Rinse flavor he wanted, she let him select an electric toothbrush (he chose one with Wall-E).
And then finally the lazy mother instructed AE to choose a tube of regular toothpaste. He eyed her suspiciously. Why? he asked. Because, the lazy mother said, you are six years old. It is time for you to start brushing your teeth like a big boy, using normal toothpaste. AE was uncertain, but with a little coaching (for the lazy mother is offended by bubble gum-flavored toothpaste) he made his selection.
Later that evening, it was time for lesson #1. While AE was taking his bath, the lazy mother gave him a cup full of water. She instructed him to take a sip, swish it around in his mouth, and spit it out into the bathwater (and yes, the lazy mother did realize these weren’t the most hygienic of instructions). AE took a sip and…swallowed. Try again, the lazy mother urged. AE took another sip and…swallowed. The lazy mother sighed. She decided to demonstrate. AE watched her demonstration carefully and wanted to try it himself. He took a third sip of water, and succeeded in spraying it all over the lazy mother. Good enough, she decided.
Once AE was clean and dry, she put a tiny dab of toothpaste on the Wall-E toothbrush. She turned it on, and AE giggled as the bristles whirred all over his teeth. Even though the lazy mother kept urging him to spit into the sink, he just kind of dribbled globs of sparkly blue toothpaste everywhere. Well, the lazy mother said to herself, you knew this wasn’t going to be easy. He’ll get better.
And because apparently the lazy mother is also a masochist, she decided to try the Smart Rinse that same night. Even though AE had clearly demonstrated only borderline spitting capabilities. Fortunately, the lazy mother was smart enough to not give AE the suggested full amount of the rinse, but filled the cup only partway instead. She instructed AE yet again on the concept of swish and spit – to no avail. He promptly swallowed the tiny amount of Smart Rinse he was given, then blew a raspberry to satisfy the lazy mother’s plea of Spit! SPIT!!
After that first time, AE summarily refused to ever try the Smart Rinse again. He convinced himself that he would get sick from using it. Not if you don’t swallow it, the lazy mother tried to explain. You just have to spit it out! But AE would not budge.
A week went by, and although the new brushing regimen was considerably messier than the old one, AE seemed to be getting the hang of things. Until one Saturday night, when he insisted that the lazy mother never again turn on the rotating bristles of the battery-operated Wall-E toothbrush. The lazy mother was almost afraid to ask why not. Because, AE replied, they tickle my teeth. I don’t want a toothbrush that tickles my teeth.
So now AE brushes his teeth with a $6 motionless toothbrush and has great blue globs of toothpaste in his bathroom sink. And the lazy mother has a full $4 bottle of berry-flavored Listerine Smart Rinse that she will have to use herself, lest it kill those in her household that are expectorally challenged.
Moral of the story: Listerine Smart Rinse is just mouthwash with a fancy name. It is not a magic potion.
